______. ______. go.

The more I don’t talk to you, the more I realize I don’t really need you there. I like having you around and it’s good to talk to you when I can, but no longer do I feel this urge to talk to you all the time. Okay, yes, sometimes I look at my chat list and wonder if you’re actually online but I just can’t tell. And part of me wants to unblock you just to see if you notice I’m suddenly back on your friends list (though I haven’t been for about a week). But a bigger part of me really wants to know how long I can keep this up…then again that small part that really wants to know if you even miss me is growing stronger everyday. All I want to know is what I mean to you. I know what you mean to me, you’re a boy who I’m physically attracted but I couldn’t be with. I don’t think I could anyways, not at this point.

You haven’t talked to me in a while, & by talked I mean even just a “hey, what’s up?” I don’t really know what to do, or what to think. Should I ask you what’s wrong? Should I attribute it to you still not feeling all that well? I don’t know. Usually you talk to me about anything & you will hold full conversations with me when I try. But right now you’re not doing anything & it worries me. I can’t – I refuse to lose one of my closest friends. But I’m so worried that you’re drifting from me. Please come back.

“& feeling stretches from hours to days to weeks & I can’t seem to rid myself of it anymore. So move over an inch, make room on the bench, happiness & sadness have made a new friend.” That was my Facebook status a day or so ago & no one bothered to ask about it. But I thought it was very well worded. I’ve been in such a funk of a mood for about two weeks, it’s like being in a good & a bad mood at all once so you don’t know which one to hold onto and you can’t seem to pick one. But now I have to add in my constant feeling of loneliness, I finally understand what it feels like to be all alone in a crowded room. I don’t like it, at all. I’m constantly missing my best friend, my best friend here, I’m seeking comfort from people I barely know. Ugh. I just don’t know how to go about this any other way than I am.

Speaking of seeking comfort, I’ve been active on POF again, and the Alifever that I used to blame all infatuations on…well I’m doing that on purpose now. Which I guess in a way makes me feel bad, but at the same time I’m only doing it to get that comfort & the feelings that I need to have. I’m just trying to rid myself of the loneliness. I’ve never felt so single as I have right about now, it’s a horribly large feeling. And I can’t really get rid of it any way here, seeing as the two guys I have an interest in are both attached to others, but of course I didn’t find that out until after the initial infatuation so now I’m just kind of stuck.

Yay for bitching about life! Damn.

“I think it’s all there, if that’s what you mean…but that doesn’t mean you can’t revise, rewrite, bring the bass up. You’ve got to believe in both – fate works best in retrospect, right? Give it your best shot & only then what is meant to be will be.”

“There is nothing to lose. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is how you feel, and if you tell it like it is at the very least it is true. And if it changes later? At least it was true once. But now you must express yourself so that everyone is playing with a full deck of cards, heh? And if it does not work out when all is said and done, you must come to terms with the fact that you cannot have him, you cannot have him.”

So apparently my feelings for you didn’t disappear when you got yourself a girlfriend as I had been hoping that they would – go figure, someone becoming unavailable doesn’t make them any less appealing. Who would’ve guessed that? And for some unknown reason I asked you on a kind of pseudo-date, I don’t know what I was thinking. Asking you if you’d like to “do lunch”. Do lunch, who does lunch anymore? Who the hell says things like that? Evidently I do, that was not a fact I would have guessed either. But, then again, I hadn’t been quite sure how to ask without it sounding like a date…ugh. Why are boy/girl relationships so freaking difficult? Obviously what we’re doing is not a date, seeing as there is still the whole girlfriend factor…but the fact that you actually said yes & then started trying to plan when we could do such a crazy idea. That was something I hadn’t seen coming. I guess it’s good, being friends is better than nothing at all, isn’t that what they say?

Except when it comes to you, oh my goodness, being nothing at all would ease me of so much frustration and being hurt. I think you’re confused on what kind of relationship you want from me. Whether you want me to be someone you dated, or whether you want me to be someone you can call a friend. Friend or ex-girlfriend, you’ll have to decide soon. I’d like to refer to you as a friend & not just “my ex, D”. If I could say anything to you right about now it would go something like this: “You sincerely need to make up your mind. I know for a fact that you feel uncomfortable around me, and I’m guessing this is why you basically refuse to be near me when you visit & why you rarely talk to me. My best guess is that this is due to your lack of experience when it comes to remaining friends with an ex, which is why I tried to help you out by pulling myself out of your life. But you continue to pull me right back in & then push me away at your leisure. I am not a fair-weather friend, it’s either all or nothing. I refuse to allow myself to be a yo-yo, thrown up and down whenever you feel necessary. Make a decision, and make it now.”

I’m honestly thinking that if he acts all weird on Halloween I’m going to address this problem. If he plans on living up here next year that means we’re going to be around each other more. We can’t have issues like this if we’re going to actually have to interact on a regular basis. I refuse to decide what is okay to attend and where I’m allowed to be all due to if he’s going to be there and such.

On a happier note, I sent an email to the Herald today to get an application for copy editor. Which would be fantastic practice for what I’d like to go into. I don’t know if I’ll get it, you have to know all about this one editing style & have experience editing. So that might not go over so well, but I’m crossing my fingers. Maybe if I don’t get it I’ll email her again & see if she has any suggestions because I’d really like to get involved. To get some hands on experience in the field I’m thinking of pursuing.

On another happy note, Q & I might be rooming together next year again. (:

Oh, and my writing has begun again. I’m ecstatic.

Haven't Met You Yet
by
Michael Buble

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in, I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

You keep on doing this to me. You throw me off balance, make me question everything I thought was fact, and then you come back just as I’m starting to regain my footing and knock me over again. Do you get enjoyment out of this? Do you even realize that you’re doing it? I don’t think that you do, I really don’t. You tripped me onto the ground that last night S was here; I swear I was like a turtle just trying to get back on my feet. It honestly took talking it out with other people to flip me right again. Then we were good, it was comfortable. Again, just a week ago I was thrown for a loop, overhearing you talking to some girl at work and it sounded like you were asking her out. For Saturday. Suddenly my jealousy went out of control and again I didn’t know which way was up. I shouldn’t have been that thrown off by it, but I was. Thankfully I got over that within a day and it was all good again. We were good. We were talking; we were hanging out, whatever. Then last night, Saturday night, you come over to the house so I know that you’re not on some date with some girl. It’s confirmed for me that my eavesdropping skills are horrible and that there wasn’t someone else. My ground stayed even. Then you looked at me and said you wanted to get some food, so we went. You, J, & I went and we got some food before heading back to your place to watch The Hangover. Well, after getting to your place we sit in the seats we always seem to take. Me on the edge of the couch with no room to budge, and you on the cushion right next to me. As the movie continued on you would sit up every once in a while but you always fell back into that same area, that area that made it seem like you were trying to cozy up into me. My head was in so many places at once. Why did you keep looking at me? Yes I’m dancing a little bit, but who cares? Why was your knee touching mine? Why did you tell me to lean back when you KNEW that if I did it would mean that I was partially on top of you? Could I put my head on your shoulder? Could I pretend to fall asleep? What exactly were you trying to portray here? Maybe it’s possible that we have hit that point where we can sit like that with each other & it’s not weird. But I don’t know. I didn’t think we were there yet…I know that we’re close, & I know we’ve been spending a lot of time together but. I don’t know what to think sometimes. With you it’s never the things that you say, it’s always the things you do. When we’re at the house and you come and sit near me (like last night when you got off the couch and came to the table because that’s where I had stayed), or when we are sitting on the same couch how your body just sort of leans towards me. How you’re always on one side of me or the other when walking, even when it’s not just the two of us. We’re never on opposite sides. But then again you apologize when your hand brushes mine. Ugh. Boy. I just do not know what to think when it comes to you, but perhaps I’m also over-thinking. That happens as well, & that is a fact.

By the way, I hate your ex-girlfriend. What were you thinking?

And then of course there is the fact that I haven’t talked to YOU (different you) in quite some time. I don’t really know what’s up with that. We were talking daily for a while there & then it just died down to nothing. I don’t know what you’re doing. If you’re okay. Anything besides the fact that apparently you like banana cognac & UFC wrestling. Who knew? We don’t have that much in common do we? All I think we have in common anymore is that we like each other, & even that might only be one-sided. Wtb man.

Sometimes I wonder if I should regret these things. Getting involved with people, like would I have still done it if I knew the outcome? If I knew that what was going to happen was me getting too attached, me getting hurt. And some days I might say yes, take all the pain back, take it ALL back. But most days the answer you would get out of me is absolutely not. I wouldn’t give back a day of it. Because while it hurts like hell now, it was worth it then. It was worth it being with someone who you knew cared about you, being able to hold someone else, being held. I learned what it’s like to fall in love, I know what that feels like now. I can’t even imagine how boring my junior and senior years would have been without them. What would I have done? What would I have talked about? I wouldn’t have gotten into musicals or ska music. I wouldn’t have gotten into computer games. There wouldn’t have been any of that. & yes, while it hurts a lot and it sucks to know you may never be over people in your life. I know that Z & D will always hold a special place in my heart. I’ve accepted this fact, I know that part of it will always be taken up by them. & I’m okay with that. Z is one of my best friends now, so he deserves it & D…well, he has the potential to be really important in my life it just hasn’t been taken advantage of yet. I miss him. I do.

It’s always a self-conscious thing with me though. I don’t want to appear too clingy, like I’m trying too hard. Tonight I talked to Z a ton so after one of my texts I said, “That’s it from me today.” & he said, “Are you limiting the amount that you talk to me?” Which was exactly what I’m doing, but if I told him that I didn’t want to be irritating or a nuisance he would have shut me down. Gotten all offended & shit so I can’t do that. But that’s exactly what I’m doing. I don’t want to anyone to get to the point w/me that I got w/J when we were dating. Feeling so pissed when I saw his name on my phone, wondering what it could possibly be this time. I don’t want that to happen for me. I don’t want to be anyone’s JJ. It’s not as if this weekend it wasn’t valid. He’d spent all of Saturday night with me, & I went over again today…that’s a weekend full of me. I thought maybe…but then again, I’m the exception to all of his rules. He doesn’t get sick of me, I’m allowed to call him out on shit when he’s being dumb. Maybe he doesn’t know how to be irritated w/me. That would be nice.

If only I could have that kind of confidence for real. If only I could try harder to hold onto my friendships…maybe I will. Maybe I’ll bring D back into my life. As much as I can anyways. I can give it a shot right? Right. I cannot see why not.

So it’s official. I am a royal idiot (they call it a royale w/cheese, if you will). Anything that happened with Z that other night was a fluke. He was drunk, & horny, & guess who happened to be there? If you said me, then you were correct. That’s all it was. That I happened to be there. Last night was…embarrassing to say the very least. At this point in time I can’t believe I did (okay, I can believe I did it but I don’t really want to). It almost makes me want to never drink again, but of course while I was drunk it seemed okay. I mean, you can blame anything you did on the fact that you’d drank just a little too much. No big deal. (big deal)

Ugh, talking this down isn’t helping. Okay. So basically the night starts with me arriving at the house. I get about 5 shots into me within  a relatively short period of time so naturally that starts kicking in very early on in the evening (compared to those people who had been in an intoxicated state since the early morning I was doing quite well). But this is of course when the flirting began, & the touching, & yes..even 2 kisses on the cheek. All from my end. Though Z attributed the flirting to how I normally stroke his ego, I’m not sure he fully dismissed it. Just kept telling me over & over that I was drunk. Because clearly I needed to be informed of my state of mind. I started to come down from that state and began to realize just how I’d been acting and it was…sickening. What was I thinking? But then of course D found me & realized I was no longer intoxicated so I got dragged to the kitchen. +2 shots. & there I went again. It doesn’t take much to send me over the edge. So a bit of touching began again, but not as much seeing as my sober self had finally taken a look at what was going on & was displeased. It was somewhere in this time that I was informed that a certain Mr. SC had commented to B, “Man, A is in love w/ZD.” Which was marvelous. If other people can tell that what I’m doing is absolutely ludacris then I should have probably realized something was very wrong. But did I? Nope, not really. The walk home had to be the worst though. It was, naturally, just Z & I. I don’t even remember what was said in exact terms, we were just talking & I hinted about to how people do things they don’t mean when they’re drunk (referring to that night he was all over me) & I said something else too that alluded to it but that escapes me. The second one was much more clearly referring to him than to me. Honestly I’m not sure he even remembers anything from that night. But when I got home I sent him a text saying I was sorry for being “overly touchy feely” & he said not to worry about it. To which I replied that no, I was very sorry. He then said, & I quote, “& I said it’s not a problem, seriously. Nothing is going to change knowing the fact that you still like me, its just there, and I won’t let it affect me.” Which only puts a confirmation sticker on the already mostly believed fact that Z has no feelings for me. What so ever.

So excellent night, non? Man. FML sometimes.

But as I’m talking w/S about it, and since she does know me very well, I was doing what “comes naturally to me”. Which in this case was flirting (an obnoxious amount) & “showing affection for those I care about.” In these terms it doesn’t sound quite as bad. But I guess I’m still not proud of it.

So I’ve begun to fall back into old habits. And by old habits I mean that my feelings for Z are growing again. It might be because of the fact that he acted that way at the party Friday night. It might be because he’s around a lot again. It might be because last night when he was bored he thought to call me up to see about dinner. Or possibly because he’s referring back to when we dated a lot again. Sigh. It could be a large amount of things but all I know is that they’re back & intensely. I’m hoping that they pass peacefully, that he’ll do something that makes me remember why I don’t always like him in the first place.  I always love him, I do not always like him. He’s just…so easy to be around & I feel comfortable. We watched a movie yesterday and our shoulders touched & we were sitting pretty close together and nothing. It was just…nice.

On another note, I feel like maybe my feelings for D have lessened. He told me that he’ll be coming up one weekend a month & I could barely muster up the correct amount of enthusiasm. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be glad to see him but I don’t think it’ll be in the same way. He’s too…out there. I guess for me right now. Z mentioned the other day that I need to date someone chill – which in a way he’s right. While I always end up falling the hardest for the outgoing ones, that would get old after a while. I need someone who I can just sit around with & that’s okay. But then again…that’s kind of what I can do with those obnoxious guys that I’ve dated as well.

I guess I really don’t know right now.

I moved into my dorm, & while it’s nice to be away from home and whatnot…I am a bit homesick. I miss seeing my parents every day & having them there. I miss just having someone to hug, to be quite honest with you. None of my friends here (outside of Z) are really hugging kind of friends. They’re just there to talk to & laugh with & have a good time. Very few are serious confidents. The one that is…well…she hates being touched. Maybe that’s another reason I like being around Z so much, I can hug him or touch him & it’s okay. I know he doesn’t mind it. Other than that it’s great. Been having to meet a lot of new people, which would be excellent if these people were actually people who I would befriend under normal circumstances. Which, honestly, most of them aren’t. They’r ejust around to talk to about classes, and dorms, and whatever but they could never be more. I don’t really like that. I’d rather befriend people in my classes or at work than people who just so happen to live on my floor. Most of them seem like stuck-up valley girls anyways. I don’t know. I guess I’m not in a huge socializing mood. I’m good at meeting people & making friends, I just don’t feel like it currently. Is that such a crime? Currently I am writing this & watching a movie instead of going to a floor party. Oh shocking.

Seriously though. Man.

Oh, & I already miss my best friends. Which isn’t good, seeing as it’s only been a week. FML.